Because poor Facebook remains an underused and media- abused social network website, I feel the need to advocate on it’s behalf by reminding users of the positive impact it has played upon the intellect and overall humanity of the common user. To support my assertion, I will compose a list of the glorious features that make facebook the praiseworthy cyber phenomenon we know it as today.
1. The first feature on my list is the “like” button. In the days of old, social network users were encumbered with the task of composing full-length comments in response to things they found amusing, inspirational or worthy of some sort of acknowledgment. In these antiquated times, users were forced to provide explanation and elaboration when claiming to “like” something, entailing that they take 10, sometimes 20, crucial seconds out of their day to do so. Seconds that could have been far better spent perusing online bumper stickers with hilarious kittens or scouring random photo albums of distant acquaintances. But these days are over. Today, with our “liking” capabilities, users can stumble upon something vaguely interesting and with one click of a cursor, provide their kudos. This way, the writer or poster of said material can feel infinitely appreciated, and satisfied to know that their “friends” did not have to waste seconds (or in extreme cases, minutes) of their lives conveying respect for what the poster has taken the time time and energy to share with the world.
2.The next standout feature of facebook is “friend suggestions”. It can be so tiresome finding people you know and care to follow via the “friend search” index or seeing names pop up in tagged photos that you actually come across based on common friends or interests. Far better is facebook recommending to us people we should befriend, based of course upon its profound knowledge of our compatibility trends and social preferences. With this option, we users can empty our minds of all of our silly biases and preconceived notions of who we do and do not like and care to know, and allow facebook to decide for us. Trust me users, we are in good hands.
3. The number three spot is awarded to probably the most winning feature of the list: the facebook “check- in” craze. With this convenient feat, users can keep others in their network constantly updated on their whereabouts and who they are with. For example, if an individual is at the PB Subway with Danielle eating a meatball marinara sub, this information will appear on the newsfeed of hundreds, maybe thousands of facebook users. This copious pool of lucky onlookers can then avert their attention from whatever inconsequential task they were previously engaged with, such as bio homework or job research, and wish that they, too, were in the company of Danielle eating a delicious footlong sub. Indeed, with this brilliant design, no longer will any facebook user remain in question of another’s whereabouts. Thousands of close, trustworthy friends whose company you desire to hold at all times will be able to find you at the click of a mouse- and their friends, too! What luck.
And lastly, I’m not quite sure what to call this one, but I assure that most of you will recognize this incredible perk I describe. Facebook, wonderful facebook, ensures that in the event you meet somebody in your everyday life that you wish to avoid at all costs, instead of giving them a 7 -digit number when they dreadfully ask to keep in contact, you can instead direct them to your facebook page where they can view pictures of you partying half naked, follow your whereabouts via the esteemed check-in feature, and assail you with endless messages and notifications on a convenient and frequent basis. Thank goodness we have this alternative to the threatening option of giving away our cell phone number. We all know that providing one fraudulent digit to foil the connection, or ignoring the distressing first text to give them the hint, is far more burdensome than banishing them into your facebook network where they are doomed to serve their stalker sentence knowing everything about you at all times.
If these stupendous features do not convince you of Facebook’s reputability , remember this: If you don’t have a facebook account, not only will you not make new friends, but you will probably lose the ones you had. It goes without saying that remaining excluded from facebook invites and ignorant of your friends constantly-updated whereabouts, you may as well live on an island. And what’s an island vacation if you cant post about it on facebook?